I go between being really angry at you and being grateful. Angry? You are wondering why I am still angry at you? You stole years from me! You stole part of my future from me, happiness, love, control, lightheartedness. I had surgery, procedures, pain, nausea, constipation, insomnia, anger and depression; not to mention urinary catheters, being in pain and taking pain meds for a long time.
I should have been planning to grow my family, work, be with friends and family, riding my bike, not be so tired when I wanted to sleep, then not being able to sleep because of insomnia, not being able to lift anything more then 2 lbs, making dinner then not being able to eat because I felt completely awful.
You still make it hard for me to think because of feelings I’ve never felt before. I used to know the answers to things, but some days I just struggle to comprehend how I was chosen by you and why. Yes! I have been cancer free for 10 years, but I still ask the why question silently. You manage to remind me sometimes daily of side effects to come and go on a whim. I got excited when my neuropathy in my legs and pelvis went away, but frustrated when it comes back from time to time, because you caused me to loose 50 lymph nodes that had an important purpose in my body.
You manage to to create a deep sadness inside of me. Still. No warning. No preparation. You still affect my life. You changed my life forever. Strangers can’t see it. Even friends and family can’t. I have body dysmorphia, scars, both emotional and physical because of you. You made it hard for me to look at myself for the longest time, making me feel like I am not a whole person. That has faded, yet I am still angry about it. I have read books, articles, spoke to many doctors to learn more about you. I would have usually never studied about something I disliked as much as I dislike you.
I often find myself in a dark place but I am not letting you take any more from me then you already have.
You wonder why I am still grateful? I am not grateful for you! I am grateful that I found you early, early enough to get treatment to stop you. I am grateful that I found strength and faith that I never knew I had. I am grateful that I have my support system of family and friends. Mostly Wes and Dean. If it wasn’t for them I would have given up more then once. I am grateful for the medical staff that I had. I am grateful for the network of people that I have in my life. I am grateful I have found a purpose. You think you did all this for me? I realized strength and determination was in me all along, it just took something as vile as you to bring it to the surface.
Now you can leave. Leave my family and friends alone too. You can leave people I never met alone. You can go away. Never come back.
Sincerely, Jacky
